To quote the comic Rob Brydon:
"It's only a bit of fun."
"An Englishman's (change nationality if you wish) home is his castle".
I would change the word castle to SHED. There comes a time in a man's life when he decides to get himself a shed. Especially if it's a mile or so away from his dwelling and on an allotment. The allotment shed is akin to a very popular Northwest English seaside resort. Who needs the sea if you have got the Golden Mile? Or who cares about the state of your allotment if you've got an allotment shed?
There is something to be said about the untidiness (nay 'artistic chaos') of the allotment shed. Mr Shed Man careth not about tidiness (he's not at home with his wife with the lily gilder and 'shake and vac' fanatic) and everything in it's right place. He can never understand why his wife keeps leaving the toilet seat - 'down?'
Shall we have a look inside Mr Shed Man's allotment shed? Is it through the round window? What ever happened to the characters in Play-school? Moving swiftly on folks. Mr Shed Man's shed contains a spider called 'Spider' (complete with web) and lots of garden tools (awaiting instructions how to use them), a deck chair, plant pots, wireless (I'm showing my age) and a myriad of bitter and lager tins, old fish and chip papers, and a bag of lawn seed and a nest of field mice and a few magazines with pictures of scantily dressed ladies and a Tilley lamp and pot belly stove. Doesn't it sound like Heaven readers?
Shed man thinks nothing of making shelves and cupboards. Oh no! Shed man just throws every on the floor in an heap and sits down and relaxes. Well you don't think he's going to do any digging do you?
The ideal allotment shed would be Tardis like, small on the outside and an enormous interior. Or perhaps an old railway carriage rather like Uncle Mort's (I Didn't Know You Cared) Lancashire and Yorkshire railway company. The old girl (carriage) had previously travelled to far flung places like Miles Platting, Oldham Mumps, Halifax and Hebden Bridge. It was a place to escape from the missus, sup fine ales and somewhere to contemplate the meaning of life. Uncle Mort even had his own allotment flagpole (complete with Union Jack) to show when he was in residence.
Have I convinced you yet about the joys of being a Shed Man?
Next time folks!