Friday 23 March 2012

A Fictional Allotment Holder?

I write blogs and I write books.   Shall we have a laugh and a joke?  I have invented a fictional allotment tenant called: Mr Immaculate allotment holder.

Mr Immaculate Allotment holder cares only about his allotments appearance.  Every vegetable is sown and planted in a regimental straight lines.  His allotment and his shed (headquarters) is organized and very similar to the control room of an aircraft carrier.  Mr allotment holder and his shed are the same colour as the Royal Navy battleship.  He makes John Major look cool.

Every tool is hung in its place, shining on it's very own nail.  They are cleaned every day and he paints the spade blade with oil to preserve it.  Mr Immaculate allotment holder keeps everything immaculate.  Isn't he dull.  Not like his spade.

Do you know any 'interesting' allotment holders?  I have a few ideas for yours and mine enjoyment.

See you next week!!


  1. Yes, I think we all know this type of allotment holder, paths are arrow straight, even compost bins are professionally designed and built (Yes built, not thrown together), the geenhouse (there usually is one) will be level and plumb and have all the panes in the original material and un-broken.

    Vegetables are in regimental arrangements, strictly rotated for best possible soil fertility management.

    He even wears clean boots.

    Headquarters will often have a gas bottle and ring to boil kettles for the refreshing cups of tea required to keep his energy levels up for the constant weeding and organising, and a camping type table and chair. Sandwiches are in a gas-mask bag salvaged from WW2 days and still in use, carefully hung on its own nail. Dirty wellies (in winter) will be removed before stepping inside, HQ will sometimes have a canopy over the door for rainy days.

    Visitors are frowned on, they do tend to make the place look a bit untidy.

  2. You are definitely on the money there Cumbrian. Love the gas mask sandwich holder. His greenhouse would also be very clean and he's always sweeping up.

    Did you ever watch: I Didn't Know You Cared? Uncle Mort used to escape from the wife to his beloved allotment, raise the Union Jack when he was in residence in his allotment shed (Railway carriage - Lancashire and Yorkshire railway. He said he caught the big C drinking water from his allotment tap. It's on You Tube. Think I will get the DVD's.

    That's another load of nonsense - bottled water. Do you remember Del Boy's Peckham spring water?

    I have some more 'interesting' allotment characters for the next couple of blogs. Please let me know yours Cumbrian.

  3. Don't actually know any now, I've moved about so much in the last 6 years I hardly know anybody any more. 6 addresses in 6 years, I can't remember all the post codes even, let alone telephone numbers. None of the addresses had any allotments near them.

    Remember one old chap, in about the mid-70s it would be, we lived in a lovely community of terraced houses near the harbour, sadly dropped in the late 70s and now given over to industry and greenery.
    800 houses and 8 pubs, a school, a post office, 2 shops and about 80 allotments in exchange for a 10-pin bowling alley with a few other big sheds, most of which are usually empty except the one occupied by the GPO (or whatever it's called this year) and some grassed areas. Somebody really deserves their head in their hands for that. Fantastic little community it was, you could leave the door open and rent book with money on the mantle-shelf, nobody would touch it. All destroyed by some little tin Hitler on the Council who beleived we'd all be happier living in one of the rented council houses on the estates being built out of town. Most people weren't, but nobody listened, and they dropped the lot.
    They promised to build new houses for the people to move back to, but that was in the 70s, and nothing's happened since. Then they wonder why rate-payers don't beleive them?

    The old guy had one leg missing and hobbled every day to his allotment where he kept hens and sold a few eggs in the pub (one of them) to subsidise his beer. Lost his leg in the war he told everybody, didn't talk about it though. Then it was discovered he never left blighty, he was called up, went to report, walked over a road and was knocked down and his leg ran over by a truck. He got a bit of (good-humoured) wind-up for a while.
    I think he would count as a character?

  4. Hi Cumbrian.

    The community of terraced houses sounds wonderful. It would be great to see a new Cadbury (Bournville) or Round-tree with a patriarchal or matriarchal approach to social and affordable housing complete with vegetable allotments. The railway companies also used to provide allotments.

    I believe there are 100000 people waiting for allotments in the UK. Wouldn't it be great if there was a 'Land Army, giving jobs to the unemployed, tending allotments and making new one's?

    I really miss my council allotments in England. You always met somebody with a tale or two and had a joke to tell. I have my own veg plot here on the farm but you never see anybody. I honestly think the poorer you are the more helpful you are. Really getting tired of the so called 'Good Life'. Get yourself a nice village with an allotment, real ale pub, proper chippy and car-boot sale every week and you have got everything.

    The old guy sounds a real character.

    Thanks Cumbrian.

  5. Roundtree? Even Rowntree. The toffee makers from York.

  6. My sister had an allotment for years in Letchworth. She was v. proud of it. She made a placque in clay for it and hung it on her shed, it read: 'Irene's Farm'. Next door's allotment belonged to a really old geezer called Curly. And he had an old pub table set up (with fixed benches) and he used to invite his mates (more old geezers) over on summer evenings and they used to smoke fags and drink beer and then ride their bicycles home (gawd knows how!)
    Although everyone had trouble with local kids (playing football with pumpkins, pulling up a few onions and chucking 'em about) the only thing that REALLY made my sister mad was when some sod nicked every single gooseberry off her bushes. We decided that it must've been an adult cos 1) kids don't even know what gooseberrys are and 2) nothing was broken, not even a twig - just ALL the goosegogs were gone! She was furious and put a sign up on a pole at the end of the allotment (by the old bath that you kept water in) and it said something on the lines of: 'I hope you choke on those gooseberrys.' !!!

  7. 'Irene's Farm'. That's brilliant Carol. God bless all allotments. I think they are one man or woman's little piece of Eden. Especially the one's that use old front doors for the front gate and lumps of concrete to hold the corrugated sheet down. If I was Tracy Emin or somebody really clever I would go as far as saying Allotments are works of art with a living canvas.

    Your sister and the old geezers sound real characters.

    Thanks for popping over Carol. I look forward to reading your very funny blog next week!


  8. Allotment architecture - a subject on its own.

  9. You're right Cumbrian. I actually think a lot of allotments are works of art - working class art in a lot of places. I love the make do and mend 'Heath Robinson' approach to allotmenteering. There's a Manchester artist called Chris Cyprus. He's been on Gardeners' World and his favourite subject seems to be allotments. Just Google Chris Cyprus Art if you're interested.

    Thanks Cumbrian.


Scrambled Eggs On Toast.

 You know you are good at blog writing when you can write a post about most topics. The hens and ducks are prolific layers at the moment.  T...