Thursday, 19 April 2018

Mr And Mrs Right On Baby The Allotment Gardeners.

These are quite a rare species of allotment gardener.  I once spotted some in Cheshire but they are more likely to dwell nearer to a trendy part of London.   They do how ever eat chips and drink lots of Champagne!

They normally come from a Middle class background and are well educated and take holidays in far off places like the south of France and backpacking down the river Orinocho.  

Their politics is 'new' Labour and their hero was/is Tory (I mean Tony) Blair.  

Suddenly one day they have a guilt crisis.  Instead of being Capitalist grabbing carrot danglers (think of donkeys chasing carrots on the end of sticks) they decide to act more proletarian and get "one's" name down for a council allotment and decide to grow some of the Autumn King carrot varieties:  Think Latin, think:

"Carot", Daucus, Pastinaca"

"Those long dangling yellow and orange fellows that Bugs Bunny adores."
How do you know carrots are good for your eyesight?   Well have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

The carrots will have to be Organic and Organically sourced?

"Of course!"

Mr and Mrs Right On Baby find it hard to believe that they grow in soil:



" You mean that they don't come ready washed and peeled in plastic bags?"

"Like the one's we get in Sainsbury's, Waitrose and Marks and Spencers!"

Mr and Mrs Right On Baby do not believe in digging over their allotment.  Their veg plot has a strictly "no dig" policy.  Digging might upset the ecosphere or kill an endangered worm species.  If needs be.  They will get their gardener, "little man from the village", 


Doffing cap, pulling forelock, curtsying:

"Yes sir.  No sir."

He will weed and tend and "dig over" the allotment when nobody is looking and apply weedkiller if any pernicious weeds persist and nobody is looking!  

Mr Right On Baby and his good lady wife believe that municipal allotments and leisure gardens should be divided up into into different social classes.  Rather like municipal cemeteries are split up into different religious denominations.  

"I would positively die if they buried me next to a member of a different denomination.  What old boy?"

Obviously middle class tenants who pay the largest council tax.  Should have the best parking spaces, best friable and weed free plots, stand pipes and the working class folk can have the hilly, stony plots next to the river.

Mr and Mrs Right On Baby probably drive an enormous gas guzzling Volvo estate.  This is only so one can transport "one's" gardening tools in it.  

"We couldn't possibly have an allotment shed."

They use a commode on the allotment and their "organic" contents are emptied on to their "Organic" fruit trees, sourced in Cyprus but with no "Carbon footprint!"  

Mr and Mrs Right On Baby read up on all the current gardening trends.  Mr Right On Baby thinks he is an all round "good egg" and is something of a vegetable growing expert!  

The fact is.  If it wasn't for George their gardener.  Mr and Mrs Right On Baby's allotment would be overgrown!

Have you ever met anybody like Mr and Mrs Right On Baby?  I have.

Next time.  Some Prospective Smallholders Buy A Place In The Countryside!  

Tuesday, 17 April 2018

Escape From The Missus And Hide In My Allotment Shed Creature.

Here is another allotment creature for your perusal.  This fellow is entirely fictional but I am sure we have all met people like him.  

Mr Escape From The Missus And Hide In My Allotment Shed Creature.  His only sanctuary is his allotment castle/trusty cedar garden shed.  

It is the home of many miscellaneous items with a myriad of different uses including: one cobblers last, one empty can of WD40 lubricant spray, rusty hedge clippers, gas mask (peeling onions and extreme episodes of uncontrollable flatulence), adult magazine "big girls" weekly tucked into the outside dog eared cover of an old Amateur Gardening magazine, a mouldy bar of Caramac chocolate, one spade, a family of field mice nesting in an old copper kettle, one brown bag of lawn seed (field mice/field mouses dinner?), soil sieve, bicycle clips, grass box for a Suffolk Punch lawn mower (long deceased), ex supermarket shopping trolley (drying onions and for collecting free newspapers dumped in local canal), cobwebs, discarded beer cans, a deck chair a 1967 'Ready Steady Go' calendar.  

Do you recognise this allotment shed? 

Sunday, 15 April 2018

The "Novice" Allotment Holder.

Another creature I met on my allotment saunters is the"novice" allotment holder.  Lets call him Mick the new lad.  He informed me that he was sick and tired of playing darts and he wanted:

"Summat to do."

"At the weekends."

The poor man was bored and was in need of an hobby or leisure pursuit.  Especially when it wasn't the football season.  

I informed him that I was an allotment grower.  I suggested that he got himself an allotment to show his family what an hunter, gatherer, he was or wasn't?  He was quite enthusiastic to the idea and I managed to secure him the tenancy of an half plot. 

He was duly delighted with his new plot.  Until he realised  that the four foot high plot of grass and Rose-bay willow herb was his new Potager.  He was quite taken back and expected his'new' plot to be dug over, ready for him!

"Yeah right!"

"Pull the other one.  There are bells on it!"

He soon got over his disappointment and duly rushed down to Wilkinsons in the High Street and purchased a new spade (toy) and an array of vegetable and flower seeds which he purchased in OCTOBER!  

A month or two later.  I went to see how he had been getting on with his new vegetable endeavours.  In fact he had managed to clear SIX feet square of soil.  It was just after Christmas.  I asked him how he was enjoying his new hobby?

"I don't know Dave."

He says.

"I can't understand why none of my vegetable seeds haven't come through."

The silly billy had only gone and sown his SUMMER vegetables seeds in WINTER!

Friday, 13 April 2018

Tight Wad Potato Planting.

I finally managed to plant my HOMEGUARD seed potatoes yesterday.  They were first bred during WW2 and hence their name.  But in the words of Corporal Jones:

 "Don't panic.."  

We dug trenches last Sunday.  It was a bit heavy going (like my music) and soil and muck started sticking to my spade.  Any gardener worth their salt or soil.  Will tell you shouldn't turn the soil if the earth is sticking to your boots and spade.  But its April and we normally have them planted by Paddy's Day at the latest.  

Any road or any way.  The trenches and ridges worked a treat.  And the plot dried out really well in the last four days.  It also helped that the rain clouds didn't visit so often during the week.

 So what did you plant Dave?  I went to my German garden centre (Lidl) and bought two bags of seed potatoes.          


Then we did cut them in half (like the farmers and tight wad smallholders like your truly do) and placed them in a old plastic salad box I rescued from a fridge and we left them to chit for a couple of weeks.  In fact that is wrong, sorry!  We chitted them for a couple of weeks and then we cut them in half and left them to heal for a few days.

Then I barrowed some fym and forked it into the trenches and planted the cut in half seed potatoes.

Afterwards.  All covered up.  We placed dogwood cuttings for markers to show where the potatoes are.  Then I will earth them up when they start pushing their shoots Heaven wards.  Just twelve weeks and we will be eating them.  It will probably be red hot ("yeah right") and we will be saying:

"It's too hot to be eating potatoes!"

Have you planted yours yet?

Monday, 9 April 2018

And Yet Another One Of My Allotment Characters: "Mr Talk" A Good Plot!

This kind fellow with his fountain of advice is usually an active member of most allotment societies.  His main purpose/vocation in life is to "TALK" a good veg allotment plot.  

He does not give a dot who you are and will think nothing of leaning on your allotment hedge/ fence (what ever you have) and smile and inform you that you're not growing vegetables and fruit correctly.  He is very much like that Harry Enfield character who is always saying: 

"You don't want to do it like that!"

"East to West is always best".

Mr "Talk a good plot" willl tell you how to sow, dig, rotovate, water, how to 'cook' your pot noodle, how to tidy your shed, even how to choose the right sized bricks and pieces of stone and concrete to hold the corrugated sheets down on you allotment shed!

One day the penny drops in your head and you decide to go have a look at Mr "Talk a good plots" potager/allotment.  You peer over the bramble covered rickity falling down pallet fence and see an overgrown vegetable plot with a few slug laced cabbages!  

Mr "Talk a good plot" if asked, would say he's created a natural habitat and allotment paradise for mankind and for all things bright and beautiful!  

Have you met this 

Wednesday, 4 April 2018

Another Allotment Character For You: Mr Clockwork!

Mr Clockwork is entirely fictional.  But based on a few allotment vegetable growers I have met.  

You know the type?  Mr Clockwork will arise from bed at seven am every morning.  He will make his sandwiches and eat his breakfast.  He doesn't particularly like his ham and tomato sandwiches on white bread.  But he can't really complain.  After all its him who makes them!

Mr Clockwork sets off and walks down to his allotment Eden next to the railway lines.  He opens his shed, takes out his tools and commences his work at the very same time he started his work when he was in full-time employment.  

At Ten O'clock one one of the allotment growers shouts to him:

"Come on Tom".  There's a brew ready.  It's you're tea-break."

This is followed at twelve for Lunch or "Dinner" if you come from up North and at three O'clock for afternoon break.  

Mr Clockwork is free to do what ever wants.  But he is ruled by time and routine.  Even when he retired.  His work colleagues presented him with a CLOCK!  He'd been watching the time for the past forty years.  Poor-man he's addicted to time, even allotted (allotment) time!   

Monday, 2 April 2018

Some Irish Folk Music For A Bank Holiday Monday.

Its horrible and wet here and its your typical wet and dank Bank Holiday Monday.  I wouldn't like to be in caravan or tent today.  Talk about cabin fever.  

Her'es another group who is playing Doolin Folk Festival in June.  They use to be called Lynched but they have changed there name to Lankum.  I am looking forward to seeing them.

I am thinking of putting on my waterproofs and going for an hike.  I am sure I was a dog in another life.  All I want to do is go a walk!