Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Mr Shed Man - The Allotment Castle?

To quote the comic Rob Brydon:

"It's only a bit of fun."

"An Englishman's (change nationality if you wish) home is his castle".

I would change the word castle to SHED.  There comes a time in a man's life when he decides to get himself a shed.  Especially if it's a mile or so away from his dwelling and on an allotment.  The allotment shed is akin to a very popular Northwest English seaside resort.  Who needs the sea if you have got the Golden Mile?  Or who cares about the state of your allotment if you've got an allotment shed?

There is something to be said about the untidiness (nay 'artistic chaos') of the allotment shed.  Mr Shed Man careth not about tidiness (he's not at home with his wife with the lily gilder and 'shake and vac' fanatic) and everything in it's right place.  He can never understand why his wife keeps leaving the toilet seat - 'down?'

Shall we have a look inside Mr Shed Man's allotment shed?  Is it through the round window?  What ever happened to the characters in Play-school?  Moving swiftly on folks.  Mr Shed Man's shed contains a spider called 'Spider' (complete with web) and lots of garden tools (awaiting instructions how to use them), a deck chair, plant pots, wireless (I'm showing my age) and a myriad of bitter and lager tins, old fish and chip papers,  and a bag of lawn seed and a nest of field mice and a few magazines with pictures of scantily dressed ladies and a Tilley lamp and pot belly stove.  Doesn't it sound like Heaven readers?

Shed man thinks nothing of making shelves and cupboards.  Oh no!  Shed man just throws every on the floor in an heap and sits down and relaxes.  Well you don't think he's going to do any digging do you?

The ideal allotment shed would be Tardis like, small on the outside and an enormous interior.  Or perhaps an old railway carriage rather like Uncle Mort's (I Didn't Know You Cared) Lancashire and Yorkshire railway company.  The old girl (carriage) had previously travelled to far flung places like Miles Platting, Oldham Mumps, Halifax and Hebden Bridge.  It was a place to escape from the missus, sup fine ales and somewhere to contemplate the meaning of life.  Uncle Mort even had his own allotment flagpole (complete with Union Jack) to show when he was in residence.

Have I convinced you yet about the joys of being a Shed Man?

Next time folks!


  1. Yeah, shed man, his shed, although apparently untidy, is actually very well arranged, with cans of beer, cigs & lighter, all within reach of his seat, which is often a work of art and construction miracle in it's own right.

    Often, as you say, he also has a rusty pot-bellied cast iron stove and a flue of sorts, and a pile of magazines so that the shed becomes his refuge in winter, as well.

    I even saw one shed man with an armchair, salvaged from a skip I think, and a TV, but I never saw it working, he may have been living in the hope that electric could be installed in the future; in the mwantime it was a great depositry for ashtrays and tea cups.

    I used to like my shed, it had electric, wired at high level from the house. Came to a sad end when No 1 son reversed his pick-up onto the drive and didn't take his ladders off, pulled the wires out. I was so demoralised I didn't bother to replace it.

    After an exhausting and frustrating difficult round of golf, the two pals return to the locker room to change.
    There are several other blokes in the locker room as well, talking wildly about their respective rounds. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man selects the hands free speaker function.
    "HELLO" he says.
    "Honey its me." a woman replies, ...Are you at the club?"
    "Yes" he replies, at this point everyone in the locker room stops what they were doing and listen in on the conversation.
    WOMAN: " I'm at the mall and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only £800.
    Is it ok if i buy it?"
    MAN: " Sure go ahead if you like it that much."
    WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership earlier and saw the brand new model. you know, the one i really liked?"
    MAN: "How much?"
    WOMAN: "£80,000."
    MAN: "OK but for that price i want it with all the options."
    WOMAN: "Great! oh by the way . That house we looked at last year is back on the market they're asking £974,000."
    MAN: "Well then, go ahead and make an offer, but only offer £900,000."
    WOMAN:" OK then I’ll see you later! I love you."
    MAN:" BYE honey, I love you too."
    Then the man hangs up. all the other blokes in the locker room are looking at him in absolute astonishment.
    Then the man smiles at them and says "Does anyone know who's phone this is?".......

  2. It sounds like you have met 'Shed Man' on your travels Cumbrian. I believe in Denmark they live in their allotment sheds in the summer time.

    I like your tale of the man with the television that doesn't work. Perhaps it's one of those antique John Logie Baird machines that took five minutes to warm up? I think the shed psyche is probably a man thing? Somewhere to be a miserable old git, plait saw dust, watch paint dry, sup fine ale and eat ferret sandwiches and a sanctuary for all the Albert Tatlock's of this world.

    You sound like Charlie Chan when you say:

    "Number1 son."

    Thanks Mr Cumbrian.

  3. Yes, I've noticed all manner of allotment architectural gems constructed out of recycled just about everything, rusty corrugated tin sheets, pallets and old doors seem to be the favourites, with old window frames incorporated in sheds and also as cold frames and even greenhouses.
    Yeah, it really is aman thing, there probably are a few women who might make "shed woman" staus, but I've never met any.

    And in Holland, they use the allotments as summer retreats. And Germany. And France.

    Sir, If you were my husband, I'd give you poison.
    Madam, If I were your husband, I'd take it!

    Cat's sunbathing today.

  4. That's a Winston Churchill quote I think Mr Cumbrian? His favourite hobby was building brick walls - honest? So I suppose his allotment shed would probably be made of Accrington brick? However (you can't say BUT apparently at the beginning of a sentence) would green belt laws allow such a construction? Women seem to organize and decide the running order of the house and the man makes his des res at his allotment.

    I have a theory Mr Cumbrian that most men would quite easily live in a bedsit with their own television remote control, above a chippy and next door to a pub or off-licence/sports club?

    Talking of Germany - eh? I believe that most factories have 'drinks' machines where employees can help themselves to a can of strong Bavarian lager when ever they want. It makes you think (or drink) doesn't it?

    Thanks Mr Cumbrian.

  5. Yes, Winston Churchill, one of our great statesmen, and reknowned for his dry (some would say cutting) repotoire.

    His allotment shed would probably need planning permission, wooden sheds are generally accepted as temporary structures, brick ones as permenant. (I think)

    Most men would happily live in their sheds, like you say with a TV, beer fridge, a kettle and an ashtray. With a pub and chippy within staggering distance. Preferably near some decent fishing.

    Yes, I saw a building site in Berlin, the foreman came round with a crate of beer, but not the strong stuff. Funny world, alcohol is banned from UK sites. I contracted in a factory (the paper-board place) Swedish owned, and was told that in Sweden, beer dispensers were scattered about the factories, but only class C beer, fairly low alcohol stuff, but it must keep the workers happy.

    An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
    As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
    She turned to the cowboy and asked,
    "Are you a real cowboy?"
    He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
    She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
    As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.
    When I shower, I think about women.
    When I watch TV, I think about women.
    I even think about women when I eat.
    It seems that everything makes me think of women."
    The two sat sipping in silence.
    A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked,
    "Are you a real cowboy?"
    He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a Lesbian ."

    Cat's gone out.

  6. Sir Winston Churchill also liked his Sherbert Dabs. Wasn't it two or 3 bottles a day? Think if I was in charge of a WAR cabinet I'd be hitting the top shelf what? I forgot to say old Winston's hobby was laying bricks - honestly!

    You're right about wooden sheds being temporary structures. Although I am told that you don't need any planning permission for a cellar or underground room. Perhaps we should start collecting sandbags and doing a Great Escape. They lived in sheds!

    Doesn't it make you scream and curse when you look at the drinking laws on the continent? You can drink and smoke at work or even in a football ground. In England or Ireland you can't even have a smoke in a bar!

    Who needs Center (Centre) Parks lets make some allotments with sheds, pubs a chippy, car-boot sale and a fishing lake!

    Thanks again Mr Cumbrian!


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