Soap Opera Thoughts? Just A Bit Of Fun!

 Apparently  there are over 350 million blogs in the world.    That's 350 million writers.  Imagine if Shakespeare had a blog would he have ever got published?   There's  a lot more competition and writers these  days you know!  

I penned the following a few years ago and some of the soap characters have changed but..?  

I think soap operas are made by the governments “ Ministry Of  How To Keep Them Down Department”.  We will show Joe Public and his wife that life is really crap on the telly, electric fish tank.  There is no chance of it ever getting any better.  So be content with what you’ve got and it doesn’t matter who left the top off the toothpaste, does it?  

Let’s look at Coronation Street for example.  Most of the character are promiscuous, a potential murderer, a hopeless cook and alcoholic.   Sounds like a pet rabbit I used to know?  Or was it a bar maid?

 Betty Turpins “Lovely Hotpot” is usually the staple diet, washed down with a pint of Newton and Ridley.  Nobody goes home to eat, they just drop into Roy’s cafe or the Rovers return.  Well after all, the characters do reside in the same street. 

The street is cobbled like all northern streets and northern motorways are supposed to be.  Even the railway lines.  Jack Duckworth even kept pigeons in his backyard.  They never show the ferrets and whippets though do they? Or the dolly tub and donkey stones!  Think on now script writers.

At the time of writing this piece (it’s been on the back boiler of my writing department for a few years ).  Poor Sally Webster had just been diagnosed with breast cancer.  What a lovely story theme for Christmas time.  It must be wonderful (or not), for anybody who is suffering or knows somebody with the dreaded big C.  Why does it always  have to be like the news, sad and thoroughly depressing? 

You can just imagine the following telephone conversation from the Samaritans call centre: 

“So you’re depressed and suicidal.  Is it because you are homeless and unemployed and recently divorced?” 

Caller: “Oh no it’s not that.  My problem is far worse than that.  I have just watched Coronation Street.”

The trouble is millions and trillions of people tune in at seven thirty and get their fill of soap opera doom and gloom. 

 They even cause an enormous electricity surge at 7.45pm.  Millions of people are putting on the kettle (it won’t fit them) and making a “lovely cup of tea”.  Before people sit down and wallow in the despair of the soap opera.   I have never recovered from Ken Barlow’s wife getting electrocuted (they never played the Cornet  at the  end of the programme) or Alan Bradley getting flattened by a Blackpool tram.  I think the council (in real life!)  have even put up a sign marking the spot where he was killed.  Poor old Alan Bradley!

This programme must be watched religiously three times a week, not forgetting the omnibus edition at the weekend.  God help anybody speak or want to watch the “footie ball” match on  the other channel.  Sky probably?

I think there is one way to solve the soap opera problem.  I will become a soap opera script writer. 

Shall I let you into a secret? 

Plot 1 Coronation Street.   Norris and Roy talk too much verbal diarrhoea resulting in a major gas mains explosion- no survivors!  End of programme.  Plot 2.  Eastenders:   Too many portions of jellied eels in Ian’s Cafe.  Yet another enormous gas explosion- No survivors.  Plot  3. Emmerdale; Methane gas from cow causes giant explosion- No survivors. 

Plot 4: Home and Away: Skippy the bush kangaroo farts while cooking on the Barbie, resulting in a massive explosion- No survivors. 

End of all soap operas.  People rejoice and think about what we did before we had television.  Chemists talk of massive contraceptive shortages.   Tea  companies make massive financial losses.  No more "nice" cups of tea at a quarter to eight in the evening!