Saturday 7 November 2020

Mr and Mrs "Right On" Buy A Smallholding.

Mr and Mrs Right On Baby decide that they have had an enough of renting their municipal allotment.  They decide to buy a smallholding in the countryside. 

They are tired and fed up of living in leafy suburbia, the rat race and having normal every day things like; a corner shop, a pub, milkman, FRIENDS, libraries, kebab houses, restaurants, public transport ("what's that?"), chip-shops, newspaper delivery persons ("very PC"), football and cricket teams, footpaths, friendly neighbours, mains water and mains sewers, broadband, street lights, telephone box, post box, greengrocers, off-licence...?  Shall I go on?

Mr and Mrs Right On Baby decided to take the plunge and buy their own little smallholding in the countryside.  

"Oh wouldn't it be great to have baa lambs, piggy wigs, goats, moo cows and a Shetland pony a piece for Prudence and Tarquin?"

They know that they have all the knowledge to live the good life and become self sufficient and after all, they do have a credit card.  

" We have read all of the booky wooks (just looked at the pictures really); John Seymours : The New Book Of Self Sufficiency, The Natural Way Of Farming: Masanobu Fukuaka (try pronouncing his name after you have been at the wine gums), Enid Blyton's: The Famous Five ("where's Timmy the dog?)...?  What's more is there to know?"

So they purchase an ex farm labourers cottage for a kings ransom and pay a farmer forty grand for four of his worst acres.  Consisting of rock, rushes and rock again.  They have their very own little piece of Eden in the countryside.

The very next day after Pickfords the removal people moved them in.  They decide to grasp the nettles, take the bull by its horns and tackle that overgrown acre of brambles, rushes, rose-bay willow herb, couch grass and fifty years of the previous owners rubbish, detritus and very own private landfill site.

"Anyone want a gas-mask or a tin of powdered egg?"

"We will be Orgasmic ("Organic") and will not use any man made chemicals.  Just good old manual labour."

"Isn't he a Spaniard?"

"What's wrong with George our gardener and the little man from the village?"

Mr Right On Baby decides to use bloods sweat and tears and buys himself eight cans of Special Brew (recycled radiator water) and a sack of Mars bars for his good lady wife: Mrs Right On Baby.

Two hours later.  Mr Right On Baby is walking around aimlessly and doing a wonderful impression of the hunchback of self sufficient kingdom.  He has broken a spade, tripped over some old discarded long johns and he thinks he is going through a "Dark night of the soul experience".  

Just to put a tin hat on thefirst days proceedings and nightmare in their 'Escape To The Country'.  The vicars wife will not be returning again to welcome them or deliver the parish magazine.  She seems to think that Mr Right On Baby called her:

"One of them there!" 

Mr Right on Baby attempts to stumble after her and explain it was a bramble root he was swearing at.  But its too late and she's gone off down the road with a flea in her ear.  

He stops to look round at his beautiful Potager and it looks like an hens been scratching about in the wasteland.

Mr Right On Baby sits down and begins to realize its cost a lot of blood, sweat, tears and MONEY to live in the middle of nowhere!

I sent this to a country smallholding magazine.  Hoping they would accept it for publication and they sent me a short email saying "We don't do humour".

Hmm... I thought. 

25 comments:

  1. Trouble is, this type of story is true. I once met a man whose whole business plan was based on getting sheep to lamb twice a year - something he said the 'behind the times' Welsh and Scottish had not managed to work out! He had bought just the sort of smallholding you describe, bleak and rocky. I'd see him on his way to the mart in a city suit with nylon overalls on top. He became shabbier as the months went on, as he ran out of money and realised what an idiot he had been. No idea what happened to him.

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  2. Absolutely the veg artist. It's very difficult to make any money living on a smallholding in the middle of nowhere. Modern day succesfulfarmers have king Ransoms Cap payments and monthly milk cheques. Even my self sufficiency hero writer John Seymour struggled to make any money. I think the twice lamber farmer would make a good film or book. Thanks for your thoughts,

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  3. Very funny. Shame it didn't get published.
    It is just like the tales of those city dwellers who move to a house next to a farm and complain that the animals smell and make too much noise. Or buy a house next door to a church and demand that they stop ringing the bells as it wakes them up.

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  4. Hi JayCee. Thanks. I have been published before. I have heard of holiday home owners complaining when the slurry is being spread and the silage collected. I am glad you liked the humour.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Haw! Haw!...Did Mr & Mrs Right On Baby end up on The Sheep Shed Peninsula? I like the idea that this is the gritty flipside of the BBC's "Escape to the Country".

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  6. Glad you liked it YP. No we come from a working class background. We watch "Escape to the Country" and always think why don't they feature people with no money or tenant would be farmers? There are no rose tinted spectacles view of rural living here. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry for any unintended offence. I was not accusing you of being a Hooray Henry. Nor did I picture Madam Northsider as a Lucinda Ponsonby-Smythe.

      Delete
    2. No offence taken Mr Pudding. There are a lot of folk who live in the countryside who are rich on paper and very poor in pocket. Especially ancestoral rural properties.

      Delete
  7. ha we had someone ask us why they couldnt get an uber or uber eats to the cottage. ha ha its 21 miles to town, it wouldnt be hot when it got here! Ah yes pavements. At least we have some pavements here. oh and street lights.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hi Sol. I never understand why villages and towns have infrastructure like street lights, main water and sewers and pavements and isolated country town lands have none? I can go to town and people are walking up and down to the Abbey and back to town and we can't even walk on our main road. Roll on Summer time. 21 miles! That is a long way to town.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree. I almost got knocked into the ditch today walking along the road. I would dearly love some pavements.

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  9. Thanks JayCee. Some one drove really close to me the other day and I gesticulated a Agincourt archers sign and they pipped their horn and I realised that I knew them and they only did it to wind me up.😀

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  10. Very funny, Dave. Silly magazine to deprive it's readers of your tale.

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  11. Thanks Linda. Water off a duck's back with getting published or not. Been there, got the T shirt. I try to write every day, mainly on here. Writers are people who write. Hope you're all well on Poros?

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  13. Sounde like hours of entertainment Kate. I love people watching. Thanks.

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A Bus man's Holiday To See Some Pigs At Balmoral Show.

You know what a bus man's holiday is don't you?  It means going on holiday and doing the same thing that you do at work.  Or on the ...