Sunday 1 November 2020

The Allotment Castle Revisited.

 I first published this on here in 2012 but I think I could add a few extra thoughts and perspectives to the subject.  This is aimed at chaps, but chapesses can also have an allotment shed, but it can't  end up looking like the interior of the Ark Royal.  All spick and span and not a bottle of HP sauce any where to be seen.  Eh?🤔

Please feel free to contribute with your Allotment  Castle thoughts folks!

To quote Comedian Rob Brydon: " It's only a bit of fun."

"An Englishman's home is his castle or shed or allotment or polytunnel or even "man cave".  You can be another nationality but the saying is for someone English. Not that it matters.

I would change the word castle to SHED.  There comes a time in a man's life when he decides to get himself a shed or a polytunnel.  Especially if it's a mile or so away from his dwelling and on an allotment.  

Especially now it's  getting colder in the polytunnel and you are tired of listening to the Hoover and white goods that disturb the peace and calm of every man's humble abode.   

You may also live on a wind and rain swept peninsula and you think back to when you rented allotments in Blighty and people talked and you had a laugh and a joke.  Hey that sounds like you Davy lad?

The allotment shed is akin to a very popular Northwest English seaside resort.  Who needs the sea if you have got the Golden Mile?  Or who cares about the state of your allotment if you've got an allotment shed?

There is something to be said about the untidiness (nay 'artistic chaos') of the allotment shed.  Mr Allotment Castle - Shed Man careth not about tidiness (he's not at home with his wife with the lily gilder and 'shake and vac' fanatic) and everything in it's right place.  He can never understand why his wife keeps leaving the toilet seat - 'down?'

Shall we have a look inside Mr  Allotment  Castle Shed Man's allotment shed?  Is it through the round window?  What ever happened to the characters or the windows in Play-school?  

Moving swiftly on folks.  Mr Shed Man's shed contains a spider called 'Spider' (complete with web) and lots of garden tools (awaiting instructions how to use them), a deck chair, plant pots, wireless (I'm showing my age) and a myriad of bitter and lager tins, old fish and chip papers,  and a bag of lawn seed and a nest of field mice, HP sauce bottle (preferably made of glass not plastic)  and a few magazines with pictures of scantily dressed ladies : "Big Girls Weekly" and a Tilley lamp and pot belly stove and something to play all your "Prog Records". Not forgetting "one man's  trash is another man's treasure"  If it's  useable well it's  useable.  Doesn't it sound like  Shed heaven readers?


Shed man thinks nothing of making shelves and cupboards.  Oh no!  Shed man just throws every on the floor in an heap and sits down and relaxes.in his " organized artistic chaos".  Well you don't think he's going to do any digging do you?

The ideal allotment shed would be Tardis like, small on the outside and an enormous interior.  Or perhaps an old railway carriage rather like Uncle Mort's (I Didn't Know You Cared) Lancashire and Yorkshire railway company.  The old girl (carriage) had previously travelled to far flung places like Miles Platting, Oldham Mumps, Halifax and Hebden Bridge.  It was a place to escape from the missus, sup fine ales and somewhere to contemplate the meaning of life.  Uncle Mort even had his own allotment flagpole (complete with Union Jack) to show when he was in residence.

Have I convinced you  yet about the joys of being an allotment castle/shed dweller?

20 comments:

  1. When I rented an allotment on Hagg Hill, Sheffield, I was lucky to inherit a shed from the previous (deceased) owner. Actually it was half shed and half greenhouse. It even had a little fireplace with a brick built chimney. You could have lived in that ramshackle shed in the summertime. I wish that I had a photograph of it. It was a lovely place to be but now those allotments are overgrown and the shed is little more than a pile of rubble under the brambly briars. This house has a big garden so thirty two years ago I didn't need an allotment any more. You have evoked some happy memories David. Thanks.

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  2. I have always wanted a she-shed out in the garden, facing the sea. It would be painted a tasteful shade of pale grey with blue and yellow curtains at the windows. Inside would be a comfy armchair with cushions and woollen throws and a side table with a decorative lamp. There would be a shelf for my books and a small 'fridge for my essential supplies (bottle of fizz, chocolates etc). For some reason, I can't persuade the Head Gardener to agree.

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    1. I have selected a nice summerhouse from B&Q for you JayCee. When Lord Peregrine inevitably asks what you would like for Christmas, direct him to this:-
      https://www.diy.com/departments/shire-barclay-8x8-pent-shiplap-wooden-summer-house-assembly-service-included/1104461_BQ.prd

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    2. Ooh, yes. That would be ideal YP.

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  3. Arthur shed and Arthur greenhouse😀 sounds a great allotment character YP. Seriously I saw similar summer allotment residences in Austria and I believe they are very common in Denmark.

    It's ok having a smallholding in the countryside next to the sea but you don't meet characters like you do on an allotment. They are very good for your mental and physical health not forgetting the crops you harvest. Thanks.

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  4. Sounds brilliant your she shed JayCee. Perhaps we should start manufacturing He and She sheds? A pub shed would be great too.🍸

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  5. It sounds perfect - for a man! I'm a huge fan of character in spaces. (Shake 'n Vac? Poisonous stuff!)

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  6. You have got a great sense of humour the veg artist. Tell us more about Shake 'n Vac, please?

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  7. Never used it actually but I can't see how throwing anything scented around over the carpet can be good for our lungs - and if it sticks to the dust, surely it sticks to everything else as well. I do know that there have been cases of cats and dogs having skin issues from it. I won't use aerosol polishes either - similar reasons. I try to use as few chemicals as possible. Dust and hoover, damp cloth if needed, that's my lot!

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  8. Good points the veg artist. I live for the day when someone will invent a noiseless Hoover. I suppose the Ewbank is a kind of carpet cleaner and it doesn't use electricity. A brush and shovel is another alternative.

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Digging And Weeding The Plot Listening To Thin Lizzy.

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