Thursday 19 April 2018

Mr And Mrs Right On Baby The Allotment Gardeners.

These are quite a rare species of allotment gardener.  I once spotted some in Cheshire but they are more likely to dwell nearer to a trendy part of London.   They do how ever eat chips and drink lots of Champagne!

They normally come from a Middle class background and are well educated and take holidays in far off places like the south of France and backpacking down the river Orinocho.  

Their politics is 'new' Labour and their hero was/is Tory (I mean Tony) Blair.  

Suddenly one day they have a guilt crisis.  Instead of being Capitalist grabbing carrot danglers (think of donkeys chasing carrots on the end of sticks) they decide to act more proletarian and get "one's" name down for a council allotment and decide to grow some of the Autumn King carrot varieties:  Think Latin, think:

"Carot", Daucus, Pastinaca"

"Those long dangling yellow and orange fellows that Bugs Bunny adores."
How do you know carrots are good for your eyesight?   Well have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

The carrots will have to be Organic and Organically sourced?

"Of course!"

Mr and Mrs Right On Baby find it hard to believe that they grow in soil:



" You mean that they don't come ready washed and peeled in plastic bags?"

"Like the one's we get in Sainsbury's, Waitrose and Marks and Spencers!"

Mr and Mrs Right On Baby do not believe in digging over their allotment.  Their veg plot has a strictly "no dig" policy.  Digging might upset the ecosphere or kill an endangered worm species.  If needs be.  They will get their gardener, "little man from the village", 


Doffing cap, pulling forelock, curtsying:

"Yes sir.  No sir."

He will weed and tend and "dig over" the allotment when nobody is looking and apply weedkiller if any pernicious weeds persist and nobody is looking!  

Mr Right On Baby and his good lady wife believe that municipal allotments and leisure gardens should be divided up into into different social classes.  Rather like municipal cemeteries are split up into different religious denominations.  

"I would positively die if they buried me next to a member of a different denomination.  What old boy?"

Obviously middle class tenants who pay the largest council tax.  Should have the best parking spaces, best friable and weed free plots, stand pipes and the working class folk can have the hilly, stony plots next to the river.

Mr and Mrs Right On Baby probably drive an enormous gas guzzling Volvo estate.  This is only so one can transport "one's" gardening tools in it.  

"We couldn't possibly have an allotment shed."

They use a commode on the allotment and their "organic" contents are emptied on to their "Organic" fruit trees, sourced in Cyprus but with no "Carbon footprint!"  

Mr and Mrs Right On Baby read up on all the current gardening trends.  Mr Right On Baby thinks he is an all round "good egg" and is something of a vegetable growing expert!  

The fact is.  If it wasn't for George their gardener.  Mr and Mrs Right On Baby's allotment would be overgrown!

Have you ever met anybody like Mr and Mrs Right On Baby?  I have.

Next time.  Some Prospective Smallholders Buy A Place In The Countryside!  


  1. Love your latest couple and their organically correct carrots.
    What's up doc.
    Hope you're collecting these together for your book!

    1. It reminds me of a gardening programme featuring Charles Wales.

      He said something to camera like: This rock was over there and I moved it over here.

      (Apropos - Like: I've like been looking for an excuse say the word 3 or 4 times like in one sentence just like American girls on holiday in Europe like to do).

      There was a weatherbeaten rock sweating away somewhere in the background. He looked like the one for the job.

    2. It's not me. I've never worn green wellies.

    3. Hi LA. I am pleased you like Mr Right On Baby. They are based on some'Organic' gardeners I met and one couple even had their own 'Organic' commode. The allotment characters are one chapter of my book. Royal Family Knitters and Bus Spotters are two more characters two make you laugh. I love writing down my funny anecdotes and making fictional characters based on real peoples and people? Thanks!

    4. Hi Gwil. Your Charles Wales character talking about moving rocks, reminds me of when I was talking to an old farmer. We were commenting on a farmer attempting to make new pasture from rocky mountainous land. He wasn't impressed and said to me:

      "Trying to put right what God couldn't do!"

      I have the green wellies and I don't use man made chemicals on my veg plot but I am definitely not Mr or Mrs Right On. Besides I don't live in Islington! Thanks!

    5. Green wellies are compulsory in the Emerald Isle.

    6. Very quick Gwil. I often here them called:

      "The rubber boots!"

    7. My dad had gumboots. Here they are called Gummistieffel. Same word.

    8. The call them Blucher boots in Australia. Blucher was one of Wellingtons officers at Waterloo and Wellington was born in Ireland. I am sure he needed his gum boots/wellingtons living in Ireland. Sixteen degrees here on Friday and then it through it down last night. Typical!

  2. My brother was talking about how people in the country who worked on farms used to grow their own vegetables because they couldn't afford to buy them and if they didn't grow them then they would have gone without. Now it seems that for many of those as you describe today allotments are just trendy things to have and to talk about at dinner parties and an adjunct to conversations on saving the planet. I expect the dinner party host would be enthusiastically nodding in agreement at the same time whilst serving the green beans from Kenya and asparagus from Peru bought in Waitrose the day before.

    1. Yes youre on the money Rachel. Years ago people lived in the country because it was cheap and they would grow their own fruit and vegetables.

      Allotments use to be a working class institution down by the railway lines. Now there are waiting lists and allotments for the trendy and privileged in leafy suburbs. I respect anybody who tends vegetable plots. But there are some trendy 'right on' one's that can be a pain and rather boring. Thanks Rachel!

  3. I dont like it when people spray stuff.

  4. Totally agree Sol.

    Did you see the gardeners Bothy at Heligan? The gardeners grafitti on the walls is very poignant. They went and served in the great war and never returned. Thanks Sol!

  5. That's the one. I love Heligan!

  6. Hilarious.... are there really people like that?

  7. I am glad you liked them Valerie. Oh yes there are many people like this couple.


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