Wednesday, 25 April 2018

MR IMMACULATE ALLOTMENT HOLDER.

If local radio had allotment correspondents this man would write it and say something like the following:  

"The Leeks are growing in a north to south direction and my Savoy cabbages have got Finger and Toe disease.  Did I tell you I bought a new rake?"  

Mr Immaculate Allotment Holder is very methodical.  He only cares about his allotment being neat and tidy.  Every fruit and vegetable is planted in a regimental line.  It must be when he joined the Salvation Army and served his country back in the days of National Services or in his case, Services?  He use to play lead electric triangle in the band.  It was this experience that made him methodical and regimental.  Everything is planted in a straight line.  Rather like trees on a golf course fairway.  

Nature does not work in straight lines.  It likes to ebb and flow and meander and self seed in a patched quilt of a Cottage garden way.  Mr Immaculate Plot Holder lives and breathes: STRAIGHT lines.

His allotment is immaculate.  Hs garden shed wears a resplendent army green annual coat of paint.  His allotment entrance is an hardwood teak front door with a letter box and brass polished numbers 22 Acacia Avenue (Iron Maiden song) resplendently polished with Brasso ("clean your buttons with Brasso") and gleaming in the sun.

Mr Immaculate Allotment Holders allotment is organised and set like the control room of an aircraft carrier.  His anorak is grey and the same colour of a Royal Navy battleship.  Every one of his fruit and vegetables are accurately spaced between itself and the next fruit or vegetable.  Seven seeds or vegetable plants to every row.  Seven is the number.  The magic number.  Bees have seven body parts and their hive is split into seven sections.  They even fly in a number seven formation.  Everybody knows number seven is God's number and that is the number he adheres and regimen-tally sticks to.  

Mr Immaculate Allotment Holder never purchases or places any animal manure on his allotment.  He believes cow manure to be a 'cold' manure and never heats up to kill any pernicious weed seeds.  Horse manure is full of oats and they germinate and grow everywhere.  He gets very few weeds because he doesn't add manure or compost to his allotment soil.  He hoes rain or shine and shine or rain again.    His fruit and vegetables upon harvesting are always small and puny.  But they are immaculately tended.  His allotment is immaculate and he is a very boring man! 


17 comments:

  1. He has a ruler and a piece of string to join up two points of earth precisely six feet apart. He does this by lying on the ground to get worms eye view. Yesterday I thought of a new character. This is getting contagious! He's called St Bruno Man. Whenever he's on his allotment we know it. Smoke everywhere. Cheers!

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  2. Sounds like you have met him before Gwil. The allotment bar could be called The Worms Eye View. The landlord Wayne would be a spaced out hippy?

    Just to Digress. I would hesitat to guess how many bed and breakfasts and hotels I have seen named: Sea View.

    I wouldn't mind smoking a pipe. I would go for the Churchwarden pipe. Basil Rathbone is one one of my Sherlock Holmes heroes. St Bruno Man sounds a character. Wouldn't like to me Camel man. Cherry Brandy Man would be another allotment pipe smoker. You're more than welcome to add any new characters Gwil. Thanks!

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  3. Sorry for the typos. I need new reading glasses!

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  4. He sounds a bit boring but happy in his ways.

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  5. Yes he is a bit boring but he's happy and his allotment gets very few weeds.

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  6. Oh dear, he seems a sad fellow to us, to be so restrictive towards growing things must make him quite narrow in self and outwardly cold. I wonder what 'ticks his box'......

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  7. He is a sad fellow isn't he Vera? I have just been pulling nettles and putting them on the compost heap. I met a few allotment holders who never put any much or compost on their allotments. Thanks!

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  8. Your allotment character reminds me of a neighbour who lived opposite me when I lived in a Mendip village. He was a Tax Inspector and placed his border plants very precisely with the aid of ruler in two directions.
    You might imagine what a drunken Heron did one night on his way home from the pub ...

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    1. Sounds like fun Heron. I wonder if he appreciated your flower arranging for him? Thanks!

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  9. And I thought gardening was boring. With a cast like yours I could become a people watcher as well as a gardening enthusiast. Will the characters you describe be going into a book?

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    1. Thanks Valerie. The allotment characters are one chapter in my book of anecdotes and made up characters. I hope one day to get it published but I don't mind showing some of the characters to people on the Tweb and Tinternet. Thanks!

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  10. Ha ha this is my niece! she is an accountant by trade. she hated it when I just scattered parsley seeds in a pot the other day. She got a little wild in the eyes, you could see she was itching to try and sort it out! ha ha! we eat so much of it that we have to keep a good supply going!

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    1. Hi Sol. Mr Immaculate Allotment Holder is bordering on neurotic. He is obsessed with straight lines and neatness. Your niece sounds like she likes things to be done neat and tidily. I don't think we have any Parsley seed. Must buy some. Thanks Sol.

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    2. parsley is good for the blood and there for stroke and heart attack. Num num nom nom eat that parsley. I really like it in salad and have been putting it into sandwiches with humous, tastes great!

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    3. Hey I must look into that Sol. My mums side of the family have an history of strokes and high blood pressure. Myself included. Been taking Hawthorn, Magnesium and Beetroot herbal tablets for it. Doctor Dave at your service! It does sound good Sol.

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