Mr and Mrs Right On Baby decide that they have had an enough of renting their municipal allotment. They decide to buy a smallholding in the countryside.
They are tired and fed up of living in leafy suburbia, the rat race and having normal every day things like; a corner shop, a pub, milkman, FRIENDS, libraries, kebab houses, restaurants, public transport ("what's that?"), chip-shops, newspaper delivery persons ("very PC"), football and cricket teams, footpaths, friendly neighbours, mains water and mains sewers, broadband, street lights, telephone box, post box, greengrocers, off-licence...? Shall I go on?
Mr and Mrs Right On Baby decided to take the plunge and buy their own little smallholding in the countryside.
"Oh wouldn't it be great to have baa lambs, piggy wigs, goats, moo cows and a Shetland pony a piece for Prudence and Tarquin?"
They know that they have all the knowledge to live the good life and become self sufficient and they do have a credit card.
"After all we have read all of the booky wooks (just looked at the pictures really); John Seymours : The New Book Of Self Sufficiency, The Natural Way Of Farming: Masanobu Fukuaka (try pronouncing his name after you have been at the wine gums), Enid Blyton's: The Famous Five ("where's Timmy the dog?)...? What's more is there to know?"
So they purchase an ex farm labourers cottage for a kings ransom and pay a farmer forty grand for four of his worst acres. They have their very own little piece of Eden in the countryside.
The very next day after Pickfords the removal people moved them in. They decide to grasp the nettles, take the bull by its horns and tackle that overgrown acre of brambles, rushes, rose-bay willow herb, couch grass and fifty years of the previous owners rubbish, detritus and very own private landfill site.
"Anyone want a gas-mask or a tin of powdered egg?"
"We will be Orgasmic ("Organic") and will not use any man made chemicals. Just good old manual labour."
"Isn't he a Spaniard?"
"What's wrong with George our gardener and the little man from the village?"
Mr Right On Baby decides to use bloods sweat and tears and buys himself a eight cans of Special Brew (recycled radiator water) and a sack of Mars bars for his good lady wife: Mrs Right On Baby.
Two hours later. Mr Right On Baby is walking around aimlessly and doing a wonderful impression of the hunchback of self sufficient kingdom. He has broken a spade, tripped over some old discarded long johns and he thinks he is going through a "Dark night of the soul experience".
Just to put a tin hat on thefirst days proceedings and nightmare in their 'Escape To The Country'. The vicars wife will not be returning again to welcome them or deliver the parish magazine. She seems to think that Mr Right On Baby called her:
"One of them there!"
Mr Right on Baby attempts to stumble after her and explain it was a bramble root he was swearing at. But its too late and she's gone off down the road with a flea in her ear.
Mr Right On Baby sits down and begins to realize its cost a lot of blood, sweat, tears and MONEY to live in the middle of nowhere!
The End.
I sent this once to a smallholding magazine. They told me that they would not be publishing my composition. They didn't do humour!
"Hmm..?"
Next Time: Mr Immaculate Allotment Holder.
Next Time: Mr Immaculate Allotment Holder.
"Anyone want a gas-mask or a tin of powdered egg?"
ReplyDeleteOMG this is hilarious. Does this guy actually exist? I can't wait to read about Mr IAH.
(going back to re-read!)
Good to read you find my characters funny Valerie. Oh yes they exist. Watch Escape To The Country and you will see a few like Mr and Mrs Right On. Thanks!
DeleteThey will never learn. I expect them to up sticks and find themselves in a crofters cottage with a leaky roof or a disused lighthouse in the outer hebrides in the middle of an Icelandic depression in the coldest February since records began. And I don't mean those signing brothers from Glasgow who got to no. 1 in the charts whatever they were called.
ReplyDeleteHi Gwil. There is lot to be said for not living in the countryside and there is a lot to be said for living in it too. The outer hebrides would soon blow away the rose tinted spectacles of a Wisteria covered thatched cottage in a rural idyll.
DeleteAre you thinking of the Proclaimers? If I Could Walk 500 Miles? I saw them at Glastonbury in 1989. Glastonbury tales is another chapter of my book yet to be published. I might post it on here sometime. Thanks!
Yes, that's it. Proclaimers.
DeleteThought so. They sing Sunshine on Leith on the film sound track. They are a great set of lads and full of fun and well worth seeing.
DeleteDave you have brought people back into memory that I haven't heard from in ages. Those that thought they had a big family (2+2), Said they required a cottage and needed a minimum of 10 acres to grow produce, keep a milking goat and a few chickens. I cruelly explained the facts... and haven't heard from them since - thanks be !
ReplyDeleteHi Heron. Yes I think my self sufficiency hero John Seymour inspired millions of sane and not so sane folk to abandon the towns and seek paradise in the middle of nowhere. Remember The Good Life television comedy series? Tom and Barbara showed the world how to be self sufficient by living off the land of their garden and their allotment in Surbiton.
DeleteSounds like you shattered the illusions of some dreamers. Thanks!
you forgot they had watched 'the good life' on TV. I blame HFW for that type of thing. I am constantly fighting brambles here. there isnt a limb on me that isnt scratched. Did a bee course yesterday, keep thinking it could help with allergies. but then again it seems like hard work and I have a lot going on already.
ReplyDeleteHi Sol. They are more like Jerry and Margo than Tom and Barbara. Brambles are a pain and hard work. I shred mine with my electric shredder. You could do with the loan of a goat. Only thing is they would browse graze your plants too. Bee course sounds interesting. Will you write about it on your blog?
ReplyDeleteHey Dave, I dont have any pictures as I couldnt work the phone with gloves on, I didnt think about it not recognising that I didnt have finger prints and it was too late I was suited up and in the bee arena. I could do a small post. they are fascinating. I am doing the course etc as my BIL has them and he got them as his kids have bad allergies and the health benefits I have seen proof of within 2 months. no antihistamines. no sneezing etc and we arent just talking pollen. this is asthma, dust mites etc. but they eat the whole comb. and any propolis in there. seriously look that up. it is a wonder. It can actually be used for gamma radiation sickness! and it is completely natural
DeleteSounds really interesting Sol. We often have honey and lemon when we have bad chests in winter. The old people use to say that you should talk to the bees. Are you thinking of getting bees Sol?
Deleteits kind of like the chickens. it is a lot of work and can attract vermin. So its a balancing act. of how much work do I want to take on as it would be me doing it mostly.
DeleteYes it's all work and animals, livestock are all trying and need feeding twice a day and cleaning out..? I am sure you would sell the honey if you did have bees.
DeleteThese ones soon get fed up and move back to where they came from complaining that country folk are unfriendly and there is nothing to do in the countryside and life is so boring there along with the people. Good riddance to them. Thanks Dave. A good one.
ReplyDeleteThanks Rachel. The above is a combination of my experiences of rural living and some of the people I have seen on TV. The ones who will pay six hundred thousand Pounds for an ex farm labourers house. You could buy a decent sized farm for that in Ireand. I am glad you liked the couple.
ReplyDeleteThis is so true, but not for us because we knew it was going to be hard work before we ever left the comfort of the UK to come to France.
ReplyDeleteYou gave me a smile today, and I thank you for that. Look forward to reading the next one.
Thanks Vera. Rural living isn't easy is it? I think there is a lot to be said for living in a town, city or the countryside. I miss seeing live Rock music especially. I am glad the characters made you smile!
ReplyDelete