Sunday 8 November 2020

Mr Immaculate Allotment Holder.

Time for another allotment character folks.  Don't worry there aren't many left unless I make up some more?

If local radio had allotment correspondents this man would write it and say something like the following:  

"The Leeks are growing in a north to south direction and my Savoy cabbages have got Finger and Toe disease.  Did I tell you I bought a new rake?"  

Mr Immaculate Allotment Holder is very methodical.  He only cares about his allotment being neat and tidy.  Every fruit and vegetable is planted in a regimental line.  It must be when he joined the Salvation Army and served his country back in the days of National Services or in his case, Services?  He use to play lead electric triangle in the band.  It was this experience that made him methodical and regimental.  Everything is planted in a straight line.  Rather like trees on a golf course fairway.  

Nature does not work in straight lines.  It likes to ebb and flow and meander and self seed in a patched quilt of a Cottage garden way.  Mr Immaculate Plot Holder lives and breathes: STRAIGHT lines.

His allotment is immaculate.  Hs garden shed wears a resplendent army green annual coat of paint.  His allotment entrance is an hardwood teak front door with a letter box and brass polished numbers 22 Acacia Avenue (Iron Maiden song) resplendently polished with Brasso ("clean your buttons with Brasso") and gleaming in the sun.

Mr Immaculate Allotment Holders allotment is organised and set like the control room of an aircraft carrier.  His anorak is grey and the same colour of a Royal Navy battleship.  Every one of his fruit and vegetables are accurately spaced between itself and the next fruit or vegetable.  Seven seeds or vegetable plants to every row.  Seven is the number.  The magic number.  Bees have seven body parts and their hive is split into seven sections.  They even fly in a number seven formation.  Everybody knows number seven is God's number and that is the number he adheres and regimen-tally sticks to.  

Mr Immaculate Allotment Holder never purchases or places any animal manure on his allotment.  He believes cow manure to be a 'cold' manure and never heats up to kill any pernicious weed seeds.  Horse manure is full of oats and they germinate and grow everywhere.  He gets very few weeds because he doesn't add manure or compost to his allotment soil.  He hoes rain or shine and shine or rain again.    His fruit and vegetables upon harvesting are always small and puny.  But they are immaculately tended.  His allotment is immaculate and he is a very boring man! 

Another character tomorrow.  I need to invent some more.  The blog writer perhaps?  Apparently there are over 350 million active blogs in the world.  Three hundred and fifty million writers is an incredible statistic.  

Wonder how many blog writers grow vegetables and dream about Britney Spears or Pamela Anderson swimming in Bantry Bay and walking on the beach in her swimsuit and I am collecting seaweed and I ask her if she wants to come back to our house for a brew and I will show her my polytunnel? How's that for a vivid imagination?





32 comments:

  1. He'd have apoplexy if he saw my 'straight lines' of veg, our overflowing compost heap, the (as yet) untrimmed roses! Mind you, my husband had an uncle who would physically remove all the thorns from the roses "in case the children hurt themselves"!!

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  2. Me too. Not I can get on the veg plot at the moment. When this Covid business is ever over I am going to fly away and live somewhere warmer at least for the winter.

    Your husband's uncle sounds very sensible and he knew what children can be like in a garden.

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  3. I saw quite a few tidy allotments on my walk yesterday. Perhaps it is one of their rules, no mess!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Not the Allotment Police? I suppose one of the plusses of owning your own veg plot is not having to adhere to the rules and regulations of the allotment committee? I do miss the camaraderie and Mickey taking you get when you rent an allotment. Thanks JayCee.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I hate to ask, but do you grow mushrooms in those polytunnels? Not asking for any particular reason...

    ReplyDelete
  6. Only the magic kind Debby.😀 No drugs here. It's full of Japanese onions in fish boxes and shrub cuttings in plant pots. I found the fish boxes on the beaches.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Poor Britney and Pamela! They have no idea what terrible fate awaits them when they agree to visit O'Northsider's sheep shed. Their mothers should have warned them not go off with strangers.

    Another allotment dweller might be Mr Recycle-it-All whose allotment and allotment shed are living symbols of his recycling ingenuity with old baths, advertising hoardings, rescued drainage pipes, corrugated iron sheets etcetera and he didn't have to spend a penny on any of it. Mind you - it looks like Steptoes' Yard!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Britney and Pamela would be made very welcome to little ould Oireland YP.

    I once had an allotment next to Mr Recycle it All. He had old lumps of concrete to hold the corrugated sheeting down on his shed, a Asda supermarket to dry his onions, a polytunnel made from plastic water pipes and old polythene and his raised beds and fences were made from old pallets. I love allotment Art Itecture. They are works of art in themselves.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have taken quite a few photos of allotments. The men - and it is mostly men - who tend allotments never stop for a moment to think of the "look" of their work. That ramshackle quality is appealing to me.

      I am sure you would make Britney and Pamela very welcome in your Irish-Portuguese polytunnel. You might even show them how to handle a dibber properly before teaching them all you know about fertilisation. After all, you are a very kindly chap.

      Delete
  9. Please post them on your blog YP. I have wrote a few blogs about allotment Art-itecture. Chris Cyprus is a brilliant allotment artist. He's well worth googling and he's even been featured on here and Gardeners World.

    I would keep them well fed and watered and warm like my plants. I am still waiting to go walking on the hills with Julia Bradbury.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. JULIA (Giggling) Get off of me you beast!
      NORTHSIDER But I have always been tactile like Joe Biden. I just wanted to give you a hug Julia!
      JULIA Well go and hug a tree cos you are not hugging me!
      NORTHSIDER Wanna play tiggy Julia?
      JULIA Oh go on then! But no funny stuff. Okay?
      NORTHSIDER You're on! 1-2-3-4-5. Coming ready or not!
      (They run hither and thither)
      NORTHSIDER (Puffing) Gotcha!
      JULIA (Sighs) You're not Paul Newman or even Marcus Rashford but I guess you'll have to do!
      NORTHSIDER Whaaay-hey! Let's go to Portugal.

      Delete
  10. Ha-Ha. Julia was born in Ireland and grew up near you in Derbyshire. I watched a programme about her "doing up"(renovating) a terraced house she bought in Portugal. I wonder if there are any allotments or Fincas near by? Walking with Julia and drinking Super Bock and Sangria would be just the ticket.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wouldn't Britney and Pamela be jealous? Perhaps there'd be a cat fight!

      Delete
  11. Replies
    1. Talking about "toxic" see the two annoying spam comments below...

      Delete
  12. Replies
    1. Eh? Where have they gone? You're a bloody magician!

      Delete
    2. Mr and Mrs blog administrator YP. They are on the ball today.

      Delete
  13. I had a neighbour who was distressed about her pear trees. Their branches kept drooping instead of growing like proper trees. Apparently she only liked proper trees which to her was a monkey puzzle, all neat and tidy. She also nearly had a heart attack about us gardening on a sunday and she could here a lawn mower. We lived in detached houses with large gardens surrounding them.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thanks walking in beauty carmarthenshire. Your detached house neighbour sounds a character. Thanks for telling us about her. It's horrible and wet here on the Irish Riviera today. It's days like this when you appreciate having a polytunnel.

    ReplyDelete
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Onion Set Planting.

I still managed to plant up two of the new planters/raised beds with onion sets in the rain yesterday. Notice the white root sock in the com...